


Popcorn and Grenades

by FrostonMaples



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Female Friendship, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4374395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostonMaples/pseuds/FrostonMaples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pepper decides to try another get-together with the Avengers ladies.  Movie night! What could possibly go wrong? Sequel to "Tea and Munitions". Fun fluff. Pre-AoU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Popcorn and Grenades

**Author's Note:**

> More love for the ladies! I thought it was time for them to try to hang out together again…
> 
> This is a sequel to "Tea and Munitions", with a nod to some ideas I had in "Lessons". I don't believe you have to read the other two stories to enjoy this, but don't let me stop you! I started this long before Age of Ultron, so there's at least one or two ladies in that movie not included (sorry!). Maybe next time…
> 
> About the rating: Darcy does have a bit of a potty mouth when she's upset.

 

"Are you sure you aren't a member of the secret service?" Natasha Romanoff asked, smirking at the large black Escalade in front of her. It looked ominously professional alongside the few other vehicles waiting to pick up the passengers in front of Redmond's small airport.

Maria Hill rolled her eyes as she lowered the passenger side window. "Shut up and get in, or get back on a plane to New York and have nanny-men constantly checking on you." She pressed the release and the back hatch obediently opened as she glared at the assassin. 

"Hi Natasha," Pepper Potts called from the back seat, rolling down her own window. The executive grinned at the assassin as she shook her head at Maria's scowl. "Don't mind her. This was the only option besides a sub-compact for a rental vehicle, and you're the fifth person in the past half-hour to ask if she's secret service."

"Civilians," Maria growled.

Despite having an arm in a sling, Natasha easily swung her bag into the back, slammed it shut and climbed into the back seat with Pepper. She examined the luxurious leather interior with a nod of approval before sending a sly glance back up at Maria in the driver's seat. "Since you don't seem to have the classic mysterious black helicopter, I suppose this will do."

Pepper smirked as Maria rolled her eyes again, retorting, "You know, I could always try to break your other arm so you have a matching set."

"It's just a cracked ulna," the assassin protested. "I don't know why the team wouldn't let me go with them. I've worked with worse."

"All they're doing is checking out some strange readings one of the SI satellites picked up in Panama," Maria said firmly. "There was no definite threat, and they're quite able to investigate something like that without you."

"And it also means we don't have to listen to Bruce and Clint constantly try to mother-hen you," Pepper said with a knowing smirk.

Natasha cleared her throat. "So, how far is it to Jane and Darcy's research site? Are we going to have tea this time?"

"Nope," Pepper said, allowing the change in topic. "It's about an hour to where they are. We should be there before the storm arrives," the executive said, eyeing the dark clouds overhead. 

"Thank god it's summer and we don't have flocks of Mt. Bachelor skiers from the resort to deal with," Maria added, scowling at the thought. "A road marked 'private property' isn't a serious measure for maintaining privacy or security…"

"Jane asked to have a low-profile facility: she wasn't comfortable with the idea of SI security overseeing things," Pepper reminded the former SHIELD agent. "There haven't been any problems, and she's much happier without having Happy's people babysitting her. Security measures 'add tension that's counterproductive to the ability to think creatively', is how she phrased it." 

Pepper grinned again as she continued. "And it give us the flexibility to have our ladies' night on short notice. There's beer and wine in those boxes in the trunk next to your bag, lots of popcorn and I have several movies on my laptop. It's a surprise. Jane doesn't know we're coming."

Nat raised an eyebrow. "Not that I have anything against surprises, but is there a particular reason?"

"When I called from Portland, Darcy answered. Apparently, right after she reported her breakthrough, Jane received some correspondence from one of her old colleagues still with the university. He accused her of selling out to big business." Pepper shrugged, smile gone. "I was going to take them out for a nice dinner, but Darcy suggested a movie night instead. She said something about being with friends while watching Ripley kick ass would be more therapeutic. It'll be just the five of us."

Natasha frowned. "Isn't there a staff working with them?"

"Jane gave them the night off," Pepper replied. "Erik Selvig is visiting, but Darcy said he's made plans to spend the evening at one of the resort's bars."

"More like he's running for the hills," Maria said dryly. 

"Smart man," Nat muttered.

Pepper cleared her throat. "It'll be just us, miles from civilization, so we don't have to worry about another tea room incident."

"For the record, I drew my weapon because I saw a clear and present danger," Natasha said with deadly calm. "I don't care what that idiotic moron with the lawsuit says, just because I drew my weapon doesn't mean I shot first."

"You _were_ the one who blew out part of the wall," Maria reminded her. "They're still rebuilding that part of the room."

"I threw the grenade back," Natasha defended herself. "And that was after all the civilians had run away."

"No civilians or lawsuits," Pepper said brightly, glaring at both of them. "Just what the doctor ordered. A quiet girls' night to ignore the jerks and celebrate with drinks, popcorn and movies. It'll be perfect!"

 

* * *

"Sweet zombie Jesus, what the fuck is that?" Darcy screeched as she dove behind a pile of crates.

"I don't know," Jane gasped as she did her own dive. "It looks carnivorous - I'm going to leave first contact to the experts."

"Let's hope the experts don't get freaked out by huge teeth and glowing tentacles," Erik said, fumbling with his keys as he slid in beside them. "I think we better vacate the premises in case it thinks we're edible."

The portal flared again. "Oh, look, it has friends!" Darcy babbled as she pulled out both her reliable old taser and a pistol. "Can the day get any better?"

A glowing green blob flew over their heads to hit the wall.

"Why yes, Darcy. It can get better," Jane answered sarcastically. They all watched the wall start to dissolve. "They can start shooting glowing green acid stuff at us."

"Still don't have phone service," Erik reported, holding up his phone. "Time to go. We'll have to call from on the road."

"You have the keys," Jane said, pulling out her own pistol. She hated to admit it, but Mr. Hogan of Stark Industries security had been right to insist that they each carry one after all people associated with the Avengers had been taught basic gun skills. "Go get the van started. We'll follow." Taking a deep breath, she clicked off the safety and nodded to Darcy before peeking around the corner of the crate. All of them did a silent count to three - then Jane and Darcy leaned around the ends of the crates to fire a quick burst of shots while Erik ran out the back door to the parking lot. 

"You know," Darcy ranted, "I think it's time you stopped studying stuff that finds or makes portals - they keep opening up to places that suck." She slipped a new clip in without pausing. "The first one - not so bad for you I guess, you got a boyfriend out of it, but for the rest of us, we got the god of fucking mischief who likes to level small towns and kill people. The second time you ended up with nasty-ass red glowy psychokinesis shit stuck in you. And now, we have these whatever-the-hell-they-are. I swear, if you found a world of oysters, they'd be walking radioactive oysters - if you found the my little pony planet, they'd be the fucking apocalypse ponies…"

A beeping horn sounded. Erik had got the van running and was ready. 

"Shut up and run," Jane ordered. "Rant later!" They fired one last flurry of shots and ran for the exit. Erik and the van were there, door open, waiting. The women piled in, Darcy in the back, Jane in the front. "Go!" Jane yelled.

"Make the call," Erik said as he floored it. "Don't forget to use the code words. Don't want to risk eavesdropping reporters hearing about this-"

"Way ahead of you," Darcy said, phone already out of her pocket. "Yes! We've got service!" She hit a memorized number. "This is Dewey, I'm with Huey and Louie. We've evacuated the pond on a pineapple priority because we've had, um, out of town bad wolves show up…" A pause. "YES, WE NEED AN EXTRACTION!"

Jane checked the rear view mirror to see glowing tentacles. "Faster. Must go faster."   
****

"Working on it," Erik growled in reply.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Darcy shouted into the phone. "This is a fucking pineapple situation - they're large, with tentacles and big fucking teeth, and they're shooting glowy green globs of acid shit at us. PINEAPPLE!"

There was a sudden hissing sound from the back of the van. Jane and Darcy spun in their seats to see green goo dissolving the back doors.

"Well, it's easier than leaning out the window," Jane gulped. "Did they say when someone's getting here?" she asked Darcy as she reloaded her pistol. "Can't you make this thing move faster, Erik?"

"We got this thing for its cargo capacity, not its racing ability," Erik snapped back. "This thing handles like a drunk walrus on a sand dune. Next time, get Stark Industries to pony up for a real truck."

"Cell service is gone again. Alien bastards have to be blocking the signal," Darcy complained as she fired another shot. "SI security knows that we're in trouble, but not much else. They've no way to know exactly where we are, or to tell us if help's coming or how soon."

"Sooner would be better than later," Erik grumbled. "Even if this tub could do evasive manoeuvers, the road's too narrow, with a scary rock face on one side, and a huge scary cliff on the other. We're a big target until we get off it. Thank god it looks like those things can't move really fast."

"It's about five miles to the nearest main road. Do you think we'll last that long?" Jane asked.

"Just hope the acid crap doesn't melt the tires," he replied. No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the van lurched. 

They all turned to see one corner collapse onto the pavement as the green goo that had dissolved the doors continued to eat into the framework. "I hate when that happens!" Erik snarled. The van swerved wildly as the back end completely collapsed onto the road. 

"Hold on!" Sparks flew as the metal screeched on the pavement. Terrified, Jane and Darcy clutched their seats as Erik desperately struggled to keep the van away from the sheer drop on the right side of the road. The dying van lurched again as more of the undercarriage collapsed, crashing the vehicle into the rock face. 

 

* * *

A phone rang and Maria tapped her earpiece. "Hill."

Both Natasha and Pepper watched with concern as Maria frowned, her grip on the steering wheel subtly shifting. "When?" Her frown deepened as she listened some more. "On it. What's - hello? Hello?" Her fingers whitened from her tightening grip.

"What's happening?" Pepper asked.

"That was Mr. Hogan," Maria said as she pulled the vehicle over. "Something's happened at the research base. Darcy called, telling them it was a pineapple situation, but was cut off before she could give them details. There's an SI team on the way to deal with it. He's ordered me to get you two to safety until they deal with it." She started to wrestle the Escalade into a tight u-turn to start driving back the way they had come.

"No!" Pepper said. "We're only ten minutes away. We can be there faster than any of the security teams. We can help them. Keep going!"

"Mr. Hogan specifically ordered me to get you to safety," Maria argued.

"I'm Happy's boss, and I'm ultimately your boss," Pepper said stubbornly, eyes narrowed. Her chin lifted in cool determination, reminding both Maria and Natasha that this woman was one of the most feared company executives in the world. "Keep going. I'll deal him when we get back."

Maria sighed, steering the Escalade back on course. "Okay, you're the boss. Just don't let Hogan fire me: I hate job hunting." She reached over to the glove compartment to pull out a pistol. "Hopefully, it's just Darcy pissed off about a power outage or a rockslide, but better be ready for worse." A rumble of distant thunder made her wince. "Okay, it's worse." She looked at her passengers in the rearview mirror and glared at Natasha. "Stop looking so cheerful."

 

* * *

Jane shook her head, blinking groggily as she pushed the airbag out of her way. "Erik? Darcy?" she called.

"Ow," Darcy said from the back seat. "I don't think it's a good idea to use rocks to replace brakes."

"Erik!" Jane said urgently, reaching for the older man. He was leaning forward limply into his airbag, the seatbelt holding him upright. She wrestled herself out of her own seatbelt and checked his pulse with shaking hands. "Darcy, help me!"

Together, they checked the physicist for injuries. "I think he's just knocked out," she decided. "We probably shouldn't move him -" she started, remembering her first aid lessons.

"Don't think we have an option on that," Darcy said, looking out the back of the remains of the van. "One, the goo is still dissolving the van back here, though it's really slowed down a lot. Two," she pointed back up the road. A familiar green glow was slowly brightening the night sky  behind them. "I think it's safe to say we're being followed."

"Crap!" Jane growled. "We can't just leave him here, but he's too heavy to carry."

Darcy started desperately searching the remains of the back of the van, carefully staying away from the goo. "Okay, we've got boxes, a spare laptop, more ammo, a spare knapsack for the ammo, road flares, oh, hey, a First Aid kit, better put that in there too-"

"Bullets only slowed them down," Jane said impatiently.

"Well, they didn't give us any grenades," Darcy grumbled as she stuffed the knapsack. "Party poopers."

"Is the dolly still back there?" Jane demanded.

"You mean that cart-thing we use to move gear?" Darcy desperately started flipping more boxes out of the way. "Yep! It hasn't been dissolved yet!"

"Pull it out," Jane ordered as she opened her door. She forced her shaking hands to slide open the side door and helped Darcy unload the collapsible cart. Together, they carefully dragged their unconscious colleague out of the van, unfolded the cart and put him on. 

"It's not gonna work," Darcy huffed as she wiped sweat off her face. "He keeps flopping off."

"Bungee cords? Ropes?" Jane suggested.

"I think the acid's dissolved that part of the van," Darcy said, anxiously looking back up the road. The glow was getting brighter. "We gotta hurry, they're getting closer!"

"Um, duct tape?" Jane pulled a roll out from under her seat. She looked at Darcy, shrugging. "It's a full roll, should be plenty. Works on pretty much anything." Quickly, they wrapped him in tape, securing his arms to his chest before taping him onto the cart in a sitting position.

"He's not gonna be happy about this," Darcy said gloomily, eyeing the results. "Maybe we can wax the rest of his arms to match?"

"Better that than dead," Jane snapped. She groaned as she pushed. "Help me with this."

Darcy rolled her eyes as she joined Jane in pushing the cart. "No more Krispy Kremes for you, Doc," she puffed at the unconscious man.

"Save your breath," Jane gasped as she looked back. A glowing tentacle was visible around the bend in the road. "Run!"

 

* * *

"Not much farther," Maria warned. In the back seat Pepper watched, awed, as the pile beside Natasha steadily grew.

"Two pistols, five clips of ammunition, three knives, a garrotte, five mini explosives, a taser, ten electric stun disks and three - no four, grenades," she counted. "If that's in your purse and jacket, what's in your bag?"

"Usually the assault rifle goes in luggage," Maria said, deadpan. "Along with the flash bangs and more ammo." 

"Good one!" Pepper started to giggle, then stopped at Natasha's careful lack of expression. "Wait, you aren't serious-"

"What the hell?" Maria exclaimed, slamming on the brakes after rounding a corner. 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "There's something you don't see every day."

Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis stared back at them with classic deer-in-the-headlights expressions as they skidded the cart they were pushing to a halt. Erik Selvig slumped, unconscious, on said cart, the upper part of his body thoroughly wrapped in silvery duct tape to secure him in place. Bags were piled unceremoniously on the physicist's lap.

Pepper leaned out her window. "You called for help?"

"Oh, thank god!" Jane gasped. Darcy nodded in agreement as she drooped over the cart's push bar.

"We were cut off before SI security could tell us more than that there was trouble," Maria said tensely. "What's the problem?"

"Portal creatures," Jane panted. "Glowy tentacles - throw acid-stuff-"

"Long pointy teeth," Darcy wheezed. "Definitely not fluffy." She pointed back behind her as the sample of pointy teeth and tentacles rounded the corner behind them.

"Those _are_ long pointy teeth," Natasha observed as she calmly took aim. "Pepper, please help them get clear."

"Did you try communicating?" Pepper asked as she dashed forward to help Jane and Darcy.

"Seriously?" Darcy raised her eyebrows, glaring at Pepper. "After one of them shot a glob of acid stuff at us, we decided to run away instead. And then they decided to chase us-"

"I think if they were friendly, they wouldn't be trying to dissolve us," Jane said firmly.

"She has a point," Natasha agreed as she stepped between them and the alien, pistol ready.

"Our guns had no effect," Jane warned her as they continued pushing the cart around the Escalade. "I know that I hit one of them at least once, and they didn't flinch." Maria fired a quick shot, only for it to have no effect.

"See?" Darcy said. "Not even a flesh wound."

"Hmm," Nat said, thoughtfully tilting her head as the creature oozed closer. She tucked her pistol back into its holster and pulled a grenade out of her sling. "Maybe something with a bit more of a sting…"

The grenade bounced under the front tentacles before exploding, flinging pavement, gravel and alien goo into the air. There was a sudden, shrill squeal and the creature started rapidly oozing back up the road, away from the Escalade and its occupants. Natasha dashed after it, another grenade in hand.

"Swell, another pothole to dodge," Maria grumbled. She stepped around the vehicle to join Pepper and the others as they wrestled the cart into place behind SUV. She sighed as she quickly examined the regrettably thorough job Jane and Darcy had done with the duct tape. "We don't have time to get him out of that mess."

"What're we going to do with him?" Darcy asked.

"We can't leave him here like this!" Jane said.

"Of course not!" Pepper reassured her. She turned to Maria hopefully.

Maria sighed, feeling like a teacher in charge of a small class of trouble-making fifth graders. "We'll have to put him in the back," she decided, opening the hatch. "Clear everything out," she ordered. "Quickly!"

"Where should we put it?" Darcy asked as she grabbed a small suitcase. 

"Make a pile beside the road, tight to the cliff," Maria decided. "Anything we can't fit back in will have to stay here until we can come back for it." A flash, followed by a rumble of thunder caught their attention. "There's a tarp in the back to cover the bags. Hurry!" They quickly piled the bulkiest of the luggage on the roadside before turning to the cart loaded with unconscious physicist.

"Okay, everyone take a corner," Maria ordered as she bent over one herself. She nodded as soon as everyone was in position. "On the count of three, lift, and we'll swing him into the back. One. Two. Three!" 

In unison, they all lifted and swung the loaded cart into the back of the Escalade.

"Whew!" Jane sighed after the physicist had been safely secured into place. She looked over at Darcy. "You're right - no more Krispy Kremes and I'm definitely taking Domino's off his speed dial."

"Let's go, ladies," Maria ordered, slinging some bags into the front passenger side as she climbed into the driver's seat. "Natasha's likely going to need help with those creatures."

"Ten bucks says she has them cornered when we get there," Darcy sniped back as she climbed in with her knapsack. "I mean, yeah, they may be acid-throwing tentacle things with long pointy teeth, but seriously, this is Natasha. She's out there kicking their alien asses."

"Not taking that bet-" Pepper started, as Maria dodged around Jane and Darcy's van in the middle of the road only to hit a bone-rattling pothole. "Wow, this road's really bad."

"I think there're extra potholes from Nat's grenades," Maria said, swerving wildly to avoid an extra large one as she screeched around a hairpin turn. Darcy blanched and closed her eyes, while Pepper and Jane frantically grabbed the nearest handgrips. A tense five minutes passed, punctuated with flashes and rumbles of thunder and lightning, before Jane spoke.

"Slow down," Jane ordered. "The base is around the next corner." Maria nodded in agreement and, much to the relief of the rest of the vehicle's occupants, cautiously slowed to a crawl as they turned the final corner.

They all stared. 

"I now understand why Natasha wasn't very concerned about a cracked arm bone," Pepper mused. "It doesn't really slow her down much, does it?"

"Told ya," Darcy gloated.

The red-haired assassin was crouched behind a partially melted car. As they watched, a glowing tentacle reached around the shattered doorframe of the main entrance to the battered research base and lobbed a blob of the acidic goo at the agent. She calmly stepped clear of the splatter to throw one of her stun disks at the alien: it hit the tentacle, causing a loud squealing sound, followed by the creature flopping limply to the ground. From somewhere out of sight, compatriots of the alien dragged their fallen comrade back out of sight.

Natasha turned and waved at them. "Hi. You're just in time. I think there's still five or six of them inside." She sounded positively cheerful as she beckoned them over to cautiously join her. "I only have one grenade left, so I can't share, but the stun disks work quite well, they seem to be very sensitive to electricity. Maria, I think that the assault rifle in my bag will work on them: small caliber bullets can't get through the outer layer of slime, but a larger caliber with more velocity might do the trick." Maria nodded and carefully scurried back to the Escalade to retrieve Natasha's bag from Selvig's lap in the back.

"Wait, you were serious about the assault rifle?" Pepper's eyes opened wide.

"Here, use these only if you need to," Natasha said, handing two stun disks each to Pepper and Jane. "Darcy, do you still have your taser?"

"Um, not planning on getting close enough to use it," Darcy gulped.

"Don't worry, their skin isn't acidic, just the globs they throw," Nat said. She turned to Jane. "Do have your key for the side door?"

Jane fumbled in her pocket. "Uh, crap. It must have fallen out somewhere on the way." She stared. "Wait, you aren't going in there, are you?"

"Yes, _we_ are," Natasha smirked, grasping Darcy firmly by the arm after passing the intern's knapsack to Jane. "Maria, organize a distraction: keep our friends' attention out here. Give us five minutes to get in position. Get your taser out, intern chick. Time to go zap some tentacles." 

"I don't think this is a good idea," Darcy babbled as Nat dragged her off. "I never use this thing very much, and I have a lousy aim-"

"Nonsense," the assassin said firmly. "Clint said your aim was acceptable on the range, and I know you've used that thing before." They reached the side door and paused, waiting for Maria's distraction to start. "These things should be a piece of cake compared to an Asgardian," Natasha whispered, pulling a lock pick out of her pocket and handing it to Darcy. "Now shut up and pick the lock while I keep watch. Quietly. There's nothing wrong with the their hearing."

"But-"

"I know you know how. I taught you, remember?"

"I bet you could pick it lots more quickly," Darcy retorted.

"You don't have a cracked bone in your arm," the assassin said, raising an eyebrow.

"Right." Darcy sighed and crouched in front of the lock. "I've got to remember to stop carrying a taser. And forget how to pick locks. People expect me to do the damnedest things because of it." She winced at the flicker of lightning behind her as she manipulated the lock pick. A brief minute passed before a quiet click was heard. "Done!" 

Before she could push the door open, Natasha grabbed the doorknob to hold the door shut. "Wait until we get the signal from Maria."

Thunder rumbled as the air chilled with the oncoming storm.

 

* * *

"We'll give them a few minutes to get into position," Maria said as she checked over the rifle. "Too bad I didn't bring my own this time…"

"We'll have to make do," Pepper replied. "And why am I not surprised that you have your own assault rifle? I suppose I could put something like that on my packing list for the next time I travel," she mused. 

"I don't think you normally need one," Jane pointed out. "At least the stun disks pack enough of an electrical charge to cause damage - look out!" 

They all hit the ground as another blob of acid was thrown at them. It missed the women, but hit the faithful Escalade behind them. The grillwork immediately melted into a shiny puddle on the ground, the motor behind it hissing as the acid ate into it. 

"So much for our ride," Jane said, staring. "Quick, we better get Erik and the stuff out of there!"

The three of them managed to wrestle the unconscious physicist, cart and all, out of the back of the vehicle without incident. Pepper and Jane quickly hid him in the underbrush at the edge of the parking lot along with the rest of the bags while Maria kept watch.

"Now what?" Jane asked as she and Pepper rejoined Maria behind the partially melted car Natasha had used for cover. 

"Now, we persuade these slimy SOB's to go home," Maria growled. With a grim smile, she clicked the safety off and fired a burst at the doorway of the now very battered research base. There was a familiar alien squeal as part of the bullet spray punched through the wall around the door.

 

* * *

"What's the signal?" Before the assassin could reply, the harsh stutter of a Steyr AUG filled the night air. Darcy nodded. "Okay, that's pretty unmistakable. What now?"

"Taser ready." The former SHIELD agent quietly pushed the door open. "We're going in."

 

* * *

"Hmph. She was right about a larger caliber working," Maria said thoughtfully as she regarded the piece of tentacle laying in the doorway. "Too bad I don't have very much ammo," she commented as she switched the rifle to single shot firing.

"Those slimy bastards were ready to ambush us as soon as we walked in," Pepper said grimly.

"Great," Jane said gloomily. She thoughtfully examined her pair of stun disks before pulling out her pistol. "You think this'll have more effect at close range? I still have a full clip to use once I've run out of disks."

"Hope we don't have to find out," Maria said with a shrug. She rolled her shoulders as she stepped out from behind their shelter. "Stay here. This shouldn't take too long." Before either Pepper or Jane could say anything, she swiftly crept up to the entrance of the battered building, ducked under the hole from previous acid globs, and paused, plastered against the side of the building.

A scurry of motion drew her attention away from the task at hand, and she scowled at the other two as they joined her against the wall. "I told you to stay there!" she hissed, glaring at them.

"Nope, not happening," Pepper replied promptly. "We can't wait for the security team to get here. Natasha and Darcy'll be in there by now. We have no idea how many of these things there are. You need backup for a situation like this, and we're it."

"Basic strategy class," Jane confirmed, nodding. "Steve was pretty specific."

"It's too dangerous," Maria argued. Another blob of acid sailed out the door to continue dissolving the remains of the Escalade. She pointed. "See? I can't have that happen to you!"

"If we'd stayed there, we'd have been splattered with that stuff," Pepper retorted firmly.

"Yeah, much safer with you," Jane added, nodding.

Maria rolled her eyes as she gave in to the inevitable. "Fine. Stay behind me and do what I say."

The work room for Jane's base was a large, open room except for crates of extra gear at the back. At the front was a large monitor: on the left side of the room was a cheerful little kitchenette with a table and couches, while on the right wall a large whiteboard hung beside the hallway to the staff quarters. It was lit by only a few surviving emergency overhead lights, a small fire beyond the kitchen and the eerie luminous glow from the portal in the far right corner. The trio immediately took cover behind the crates.

"Ugh, what a mess!" Jane peeked out mournfully at the chaos, wincing at the acid pitted floor, bullet holes and the hole in the wall from the acid thrown by the aliens earlier in the evening. "How the hell'd they find stuff to set on fire? Why'd they set it on fire? And why isn't the sprinkler system-"

"Never mind the mess," Maria barked. She nodded at the corner near the portal, where the aliens had overturned desks to use as shelter. "I can't tell how many there are behind there. Get busy you two and toss some of your disks over there to keep their attention on us." 

 

* * *

All was quiet and dark as Natasha and Darcy entered the side door. 

"What's in this part of the building?" Natasha asked quietly as she switched on her flashlight.

"Staff bedrooms and some storage," Darcy whispered. She grimaced as she stepped around a drying slime trail on the floor to peek through an open door. "Looks like they came back here, but didn't find anything they wanted. Everything seems pretty much untouched."

"There's a big puddle of slime over there." The former spy pointed ahead. "Better check that room." 

Quietly, they crept up the hallway to the puddle. Gun ready, Natasha gestured to Darcy to wait outside as she cautiously entered. A few seconds passed as the assassin quickly swept her light over the room, then she beckoned the intern to join her in surveying the chaos left behind by the aliens.

"What the…?" Darcy muttered. "Why this room and none of the others?"

"Obviously, they thought there was something they wanted here," Natasha said, surveying the trashed room. The bed and dresser had been ripped apart, and bits of paper clinging to the wall showed where posters had been hanging. "Whose room is this?"

"New guy named Dr. Krieger," Darcy said, looking at the nameplate on the door. "He's a bit odd-"

"Dr. Algernop Krieger?" the assassin asked, eyes widening. "Middle aged, brown hair and beard, used to work for one of those shady freelance intelligence agencies?"

"I don't know where he used to work, but yeah, that's probably him. I can't imagine anyone else in the world stuck with the name Algernop." She frowned at her companion. "You know him."

"I know of him," Natasha said evasively. "He has a…reputation in the intelligence community." She knelt, feeling the floor until a tile popped up.

"What'd you mean, a reputation?" 

Natasha reached into the hole under the tile and pulled out some magazines. "Yep, definitely the guy I've heard about." She grimaced at the lurid magazine covers: they left little to the imagination.

"Oh. My. God." Darcy turned red. "I've heard about stuff like this - is that a squid? What're those women - and, and that guy - is that a cabbage? And a goat with a lava lamp?" She closed her eyes, shuddering. "You could've warned me. I'll never forgive you. You can't unsee shit like that."

"It may be more than a coincidence that there's material like this here and creatures with tentacles show up," Natasha said, frowning. 

"I'm so checking the security tapes," Darcy snarled. "If he's got something to do with this, I'm gonna-"

"For now, let's get into position to be ready to surprise these things," the assassin said firmly. "Deal with him later." 

"Don't think I won't," Darcy muttered darkly, turning to follow Natasha. Outside of the dim light cast by the small flashlight, the murky darkness was eerie. Unfortunately, in her haste to keep up with the assassin, Darcy wasn't watching the floor ahead. One foot landed in the puddle in the hallway with a moist splat: she skidded forward, almost slamming into her comrade. Desperate evasion ended with her overcompensating backwards, and the next thing she knew she was laying on her back. In the puddle of slime. 

"Are you all right?" Natasha whispered, concerned.

"If these things came here because of Krieger's tentacle porn, I don't want to even think about why this puddle is here." She sat up with a wince, shaking goo off her hands and sleeves. "I'll be okay, as long as it's impossible to die from being grossed out." She quietly climbed to her feet, vainly trying to brush off the slime. "I don't know which I want to kill more, these critters or Krieger. He's buying me new everything, 'cause I'm gonna have to burn everything I'm wearing." She glared at the assassin. "So help me, if you're laughing I'll hug you right now with all this grossness on me."

"Me? No, not laughing," was the suspiciously prompt reply. "You able to keep going?"    

Darcy sighed. "Yeah. As long as you promise there's a shower at the end of all of this for me. Let's go." They continued silently to the end of the hall. When they reached the door to the main workroom she tapped the assassin on the shoulder, mutely questioning.

After a cautious peek through the slightly ajar door, Natasha leaned back to quietly whisper directly into Darcy's ear, "Still five of them fighting. Four unconscious on the floor behind them. Portal is to the right. Maria, Pepper, and Jane are behind crates in the far left corner."

"What's the plan?" Darcy murmured back, equally quiet.

"Wait for the next step of the distraction," was the reply as Natasha checked her watch. 

 

* * *

"Natasha and Darcy'll be in place by now," Maria said, checking her watch. "We need to move. If they try to do anything now, they'll be immediately noticed. We need to get over by the kitchen, so these things'll be looking away from the door." 

"We can flip the table for and use it for protection once we're there," Jane said. "The chairs won't be much use, but maybe we can push one of the couches over too? They're not very heavy: we push them around all the time."

"I'll cover for you," Maria decided, flipping the setting on the rifle to automatic. "We'll go on the count of three. Pepper, flip the table. Jane, try pushing a couch over beside the table. If it's too heavy, just leave it and get behind the table with Pepper. I'll catch up." She checked the ammo clip and sighed. It would have to do. "Ready? One. Two. Three!"

Maria stood and fired a short burst as Jane and Pepper scurried over to the kitchen. Without pausing, Jane pushed the couch along the floor as Pepper dashed past her to flip the table onto its side. They both quickly popped up to throw their last stun disks at the aliens as Maria joined them behind the table and couch. "We're down to our pistols and whatever kitchen stuff we can throw," Jane said.

Maria check the rifle. "There's about half a clip left," she said grimly as she switched it back to single shot firing. "Do anything it takes to keep their attention focused on us." She carefully aimed and an alien screeched as a piece of tentacle hit the floor. "Both of you together - wait for one of them to look over the desk and fire together," she instructed. "Maybe multiple shots hitting the same spot will work."

"Didn't before," Jane answered even as she scanned the other side of the room for an opportunity. A bit of tentacle loaded with acidic goo peeked around the end of one of the battered desks: it flinched back, obviously stung but still whole as Jane and Pepper fired in unison until Pepper's pistol clicked emptily. "See?"

"Just keep trying," Maria said. "It keeps them looking at us. Can we move any farther forward? We need to get them looking away from the hallway." 

"Acid puddle in the way," Jane said, checking. "It hasn't eaten through the floor very much, but it's still too….acidy." 

Pepper rummaged through her pockets for another clip of ammunition, and came up with only a bag of unpopped popcorn. "I'm all out," she growled in frustration. "I don't suppose you scientist types keep grenades or guns in the kitchen?"

"Nope," Jane replied as she carefully picked her shots. "Someone would shoot themselves in the foot or blow up the microwave. Way too distracting." She flipped open Darcy's knapsack. "None left in the bag either."

"Sorry, no spares," Maria said, anticipating the question.

"Fine," Pepper huffed. She snatched up a coffee mug from the counter and threw it across the room. It smashed against the wall with a satisfactory crash, dropping shards on the aliens. "I suppose I can throw stuff." She cautiously felt around the counter for more throwables and found the area around the sink. Three more mugs sailed through the air, followed by the coffee pot, two plates, a soup can and a pot with caked on macaroni.

"Better than nothing, I guess," Maria shrugged. She grabbed a bowl and threw it, following up with another shot from her rifle.

The counter near Pepper was starting to feel empty. She groped around until her fingers finally felt smooth, rounded metal: it slid smoothly across the counter and fell into her grasp. It was a cookie tin, rattling slightly as cookies slid around inside.

An idea occurred to Pepper as she stared at the largish round tin. She wrestled it open to see only a few cookies left inside. Grabbing the cookies (fine Danish butter cookies as the tin promised, she noted), she nudged Jane and thrust the cookies at her. "Here. Maybe they'll have a bad reaction to sugar - toss the cookies!"

Jane blinked and stared, before visibly dragging her attention back to snapping another shot off. Finally, she said, "I can't believe you said that."

Without pausing, Maria reached over to grab two. In one smooth move, she stuffed one in her mouth and threw the other across the room to land on the creatures. "Improv later," she snapped. "Keep these things busy!"

Pepper shook out the crumbs and papers as she fumbled in her pocket. "Where is it? I had it a minute ago…" she muttered. Her fingers finally closed around a small plastic bag. "Aha!"

Jane frowned, puzzled, as she risked a quick glimpse before launching the cookies. "Popcorn? What're you doing?"

"Watch." Pepper ripped the bag open and dumped the kernels in, then closed the tin, thumping it with her fist to make sure it was tight. "Hope this works!" Biting her lip in concentration, she threw the tin towards the front of the room, where it landed next to the burning desk.

"I assume you have a plan - " Jane started.

"No harm in trying," Maria interrupted with a nod of approval. "We'll see if it works."

"I'm all out," Jane announced as her pistol clicked emptily, "and we're running out of things to throw."

"Do what you can - don't throw that!" Maria snatched the small fire extinguisher out of the physicist's hands before she could fling it. "Why didn't you tell me we had one of these?"

"Um, we're too far away to spray them with it," Jane said, puzzled. She threw another plate and pulled open a lower cupboard door to hunt for more throwables.

"Keep it close," Maria ordered as she reached back to grab a tumbler that Jane and Pepper had missed. The shattering glass sounded suddenly loud in the absence of gunfire. 

She immediately ducked to avoid a retaliatory acid blob: it hit the upper cupboards, hissing as it ate through the laminate. A nudge from her foot swung the fridge door open and she grabbed the first item that came to hand. The ketchup bottle was an extremely satisfying projectile, both for the loud crash it made and the splatter that cause a loud squall of disgust from the other side of the room. 

As the squeals died down, a metallic pop from the front of the room reached her ears. "Do you have any more popcorn? More noise would be better. Be more confusing to them."

"How about a flash?" Jane asked, fishing around in the knapsack. She held up the road flare with a smile, and handed it to Pepper.

"Good one," Maria said with an approving nod. "Pepper, throw it when I tell you. Jane, I'll need you to throw the extinguisher at the aliens when I say so."

Another pop sounded, followed by a series of crackles as the tin heated up. There was a sudden stir from the other side of the room, with a tentative, questioning chatter from the aliens. "Pepper, now!" Maria whispered. The executive tossed the flare precisely into the middle of the small fire and it immediately flashed with blinding, brilliant light, as a loud crack of thunder sounded from outside. A squeal of alarm could be heard from the aliens, and they reacted exactly as Maria had hoped - a glob of acid was hurled at the fire.

"Jane, NOW!" 

The physicist launched the small fire extinguisher into the air. As it sailed across the room, Maria took careful aim and fired her second-last shot at it. It obligingly sprayed the fire-retardant chemicals over the creatures, enveloping them in a white cloud.

"Tasha, GO!" Maria shouted.

Tasers ready, Natasha and Darcy burst through the door and, in the confusion of the fog, stunned two of the four conscious aliens into twitching piles of tentacles.

The only sound in the room was the popping of the popcorn as the remaining pair of aliens froze. Jane, Pepper, and Maria cautiously peered over the battered table. Both Natasha and Darcy were standing with their pistols touching the heads of the two conscious creatures. 

"I don't think they want to test how effective their slime layer is at deflecting bullets at this range," the assassin commented dryly. "Darcy, like we planned. Tell them."

Darcy shifted so her creature could see her around the pistol resting between its multiple eyes. "You -" she pointed at the being, "take that -" she pointed at one of its fallen comrades, "there!" She pointed at the portal, barrel of her gun nudging it to emphasize each word. Slowly, the creature gathered up an unconscious comrade, dragged it to the portal, and threw it through. Natasha nudged hers into following suit. Maria joined them in watching over the aliens, reloading her pistol with a clip from Natasha as Pepper retrieved the extra fire extinguisher from the bedroom wing to put out the fire.

Jane scrambled to the keyboard of the primary computer at the front of the room. "Let me take a look at this: I'm sure I can figure out how to close the portal." The large monitor at the front of the room came to life, showing multiple files as she scrolled through reams of data searching for the relevant information. She muttered as she scanned the files, impatiently closing and rearranging as she went. "Aha - found it! I can close it as soon as you're finished," she called out. 

"Check the security recordings while you're there," Darcy called over. "See if there was anything weird going on before the portal opened."

"Okay," Jane said, raising her eyebrows questioningly. "What kind of weird?"

"Trust me, you'll know when you see it," Darcy replied. "Check the old external DVD drive." She turned back to her captive, who had paused while she was talking to Jane. "Get back to work, Slimey!" Maria stepped forward to give the creatures additional prods, and soon the room was clear of the unconscious creatures (if not their slime). Finally, the last two stood in front of the portal, their reluctance obvious in the flickering light.

"Get in," Nat ordered coldly. They looked back at the women and snarled, but slowly started to move. 

"Get going!" Maria barked, poking one with her rifle.

Slowly, the creatures oozed through.

"Look out!" Nat pushed Darcy and Maria to the side as a glob of acid flew out of the portal. She grabbed her last grenade out of her sling and threw it through the portal as she shouted to Jane, "Close it!"

"Done!" Jane said, hitting the controls. The cold glow of the portal vanished, leaving the room dark but for the glow of the main monitor and the emergency lighting. She drooped over the controls with a sigh, hands shaking. "Thank god. I wasn't sure that was the right command -"

"It worked, that's what's important," Pepper said firmly as she joined Jane at the desk. "Good job, Jane."

"Not done yet," the physicist said, straightening in her chair. "I want to check a few things. Stuff like this should be impossible." She scrolled through, checking the activity logs. "Hmm, that's odd."

"What's odd?" Pepper asked, leaning over her shoulder. The others, overhearing the conversation, came over to watch as Jane puzzled through the information in front of her.

"According to this, Dr. Krieger was logged on last night, working on the portal equations."

"That's right, he was still working when we called it quits. Said he wanted to finish something." Darcy scowled, suspicious. 

"Let me replay the security video from last night," Jane said, frowning. A view from the security camera in the corner appeared on the monitor, timestamped from the night before, showing a brown-haired, bearded man sitting at the same desk Jane was seated at. Equations filled the monitor as he tapped away at the keyboard. "He's still working at 12:14…"

"Fast forward until later," Darcy said impatiently. She reached around and ejected a disc from an external DVD drive. "How else would this be here?" 

Jane fast-forwarded the video until the time stamp read 2:03am. The equations were no longer on the monitor: Jane and Pepper both gasped and turned red. "I don't believe it," Jane stuttered. "That's - that's - that poor octopus…"

Maria blinked and raised her eyebrows. "I think it's a squid," she said dryly. "Though I don't think they like humans, or fruit baskets, or hummus quite that much…"

"At least there wasn't a cabbage this time," Darcy muttered.

Natasha leaned forward, ignoring the lurid images to focus on the activities around the keyboard shown in the video. "Look," she said, pointing. "He spilled a drink on the keyboard." She declined to mention why the drink had been spilled. "Could that've caused a malfunction?"

"Let me see." Darcy nudged Jane aside and tapped some commands into the system. "Looks like he was watching his…special entertainment while waiting for the system to finish analyzing dimensional data. When he spilled his drink, it confused the system and it activated Skype while scanning for dimensional portals. My guess is, it broadcasted his porn across alternate dimensions."

"Oh. My. God." Jane buried her face in her hands. "Tentacle porn was first contact material with alternate dimensions." 

"I guess that explains why creatures with tentacles turned up," Darcy sighed. 

"He's so fired," Pepper seethed. "I'll see to it he never works in the tech industry again."

A violent flash and crash of thunder from outside made them all jump. "Sounds like that storm's getting really close," Maria commented. A thought suddenly struck her, Pepper, and Jane all at once. "Erik!"

"Quick, we have to get him in here before the rain starts!" Jane said, running for the door. 

"We'll get Erik," Pepper said, following Jane and Darcy closely. "You grab the bags we left with him," she ordered Maria and Natasha.

They just barely reached the still-unconscious physicist when the heavens opened up. 

 

* * *

"I have a feeling this is why Happy's security team hasn't shown up yet," Pepper said ruefully as she watched the raging storm. She jumped as another savage flash of lightning, followed by a deafening clap of thunder, lashed at the mountainside.

"The front moved in from the same direction as Redmond. With a storm like this, the airport is probably closed," Maria agreed. She joined the redhead at the remains of the door, frowning thoughtfully. "When I checked the weather forecast, there were rain showers mentioned, but nothing like this. I suspect that portal…stuff contributes to unstable atmospherics and -". She was interrupted by Pepper's phone chirping.

"Looks like the interference finally cleared up," Pepper said as she checked its screen. "Hi Happy." A pause. "We're fine. It's all been taken care of. We just need a cleanup crew here as soon as possible." Another pause. "Oh, just some aliens from another dimension. We…persuaded them to go back home." The next pause was much longer. "We're _fine_. Just get the road cleared - no, don't try to send a helicopter again. The weather's still too nasty." An even longer pause. "Really, all you need to do is clear the road for our people to get in here. Oh, and on the way, you'll see a small pile of luggage under a tarp. If you could bring that with you…" Maria cleared her throat, holding up a certain DVD she'd confiscated. Pepper nodded. "And, if you could find Dr. Algernop Krieger - yes, he's one of the people who work here with Jane - bring him with you. I need to have a few words with him. Thanks." She hung up with a sigh.

"Mr. Hogan doesn't sound pleased," Maria said cautiously.

"He'll be fine," Pepper said confidently. "He just has to get used to the idea that I can take of myself. With help from my friends," she added hastily as Maria raised an eyebrow. 

"Hey, Jane's back!" Darcy called over. "We're about to get started here." She rolled the sleeves of her housecoat up again as she turned back to finish connecting Pepper's laptop to the main computer.

The pair at the door turned to see Jane walk out of the hallway to the employee quarters, towelling her hair dry. "Much better," she sighed. 

"We're lucky those things didn't disturb most of the living quarters," Natasha said. She also was in a housecoat, curled up in a chair beside the only salvageable couch, now occupied by Erik Selvig. 

"The damage they've done is bad enough," Erik said, looking around the room. The physicist was fully conscious and highly embarrassed about his role in recent events. Despite his concussion, he had persisted in trying to tidy up some of the debris until Natasha firmly gripped his arm, pushed him onto the couch and sat on a nearby chair watching him with a disturbingly predatory light in her eyes every time he tried to move. 

"Not to worry, Doctor," Pepper said reassuringly. "There'll be no problem with Stark Industries repairing and replacing things. Jane assured me that all of the backup data is secure off-site."

"All right, movie night is on! Ripley versus aliens goodness is about to start!" Darcy whooped as the movie credits showed on the monitor. She tossed cushions off the couch destroyed by the aliens onto the pile she had stolen from the bedrooms earlier. "Thank god Stark Industries gave us one of their best backup generators!"  

"That's the second movie," Nat observed.

"In light of recent…things," Darcy waved her hand around at the chaos that still reigned, despite everyone's efforts at tidying, "I thought this one seemed more appropriate. Besides: Marines, instead of space truckers. Need I say more?"

"I had some stuff to warm in the oven, but it's still with the baggage we left on the side of the road," Pepper sighed. She looked over at the kitchen. "Though it's just as well, since the oven didn't make it."

"At least we've popcorn, and some of the snacks and drinks made it!" Darcy gloated.

"Hear, hear!" Natasha said with a small smile, raising her bottle to toast.

"Saved the world, kicked ass and still get a movie night out of the deal," Maria smiled. "Sounds like a win-win to me."

"Food, drink and movies with friends. What more could a girl want?" Jane asked, grinning. "Natasha even got to shoot and blow up things." Her smile dimmed a bit. "Even if the base got trashed."

"We'll get this fixed up as soon as possible," Pepper reassured her. "I'll have a crew here tomorrow: you'll be back up and running in no time."

"Thank-you," Jane said hesitantly. She paused, awkwardly wringing her hands before plunging ahead. "Actually, I was needing to speak with you even before this all happened." The physicist visibly gathered her courage. "Ever since London, I've been receiving invitations to speak at conferences and guest lecture at universities. I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a break from research for a while and take some of these people up on their invitations. Some of these people are the most brilliant minds in the field: just to be able to talk in person with some of them would be amazing."

Pepper sighed and smiled ruefully. "It does sound like an ideal opportunity for you-"

"I still plan to continue to do research, and want to come back," Jane blurted out. "I just…a break would be nice-"

"I understand," Pepper reassured her. "We can look on this as something like a sabbatical for you. Besides," she looked around the room with a sigh, "it gives us more time to rebuild this." Her expression brightened as she continued. "Keep us in the loop and we could upgrade things with your new ideas-"

"I already have a few, and Erik mentioned an ingeniously simple way for amplifying our version of a plasma spectrometer: at least I think it'd be simple. Erik?" Jane asked, turning to her mentor. "What do you think?" A soft snore answered her.

"He fell asleep about five minutes ago," Natasha reported. "We better take turns waking him for his neuro checks."

"Enough of the humdrum life stuff," Darcy interrupted. "Ripley is about to grace the screen."

Silence fell over the room, punctuated by only the occasional rumble of thunder and requests for popcorn, until the arsenal of the _Sulaco_ appeared.

"The props people did some neat work on the rifles to make them look different," Maria commented to Natasha. "Check out how they dressed up Thompsons into pulse rifles."

"Something like the smart gun Vasquez has would've made short work of our visitors," Natasha commented appreciatively. She tilted her head thoughtfully. "Wouldn't fit into my luggage…"

"Hey, that cute guy has a flamethrower," Darcy exclaimed. "I think that's a great idea. I wanna have a flamethrower for the next alien invasion."

Four voices answered in unison.

"NO!"


End file.
